Got booked up with some shrink in town. How Americanised, huh? But I do need help, I'm ruining myself and alot of the people around me are going to suffer if I don't sort it out. Stupid reason to need to see a shrink though, yeah? Addicted to sex. Lame excuse for being an arsehole, you might say. And what the hell is he going to think of me? A catholic gay quite happy to burn in hell and with a history of depression. Woopdeedoo..
Pulling up outside the big, quite scary, house. Do shrinks just buy the scariest houses they can find on purpose? Looks like Amityville. Urgh.. Hated that film. That whole story. Fucking scared the shit out of me. And true too..
The shrink's attractive.
Oh my God, not a good start.
Raises his eyes to me from his paper work, deep brown, cool. Oh, for fucks sake. "Uhm.. I have an appointment.. Dom Monaghan? You're Dr Huffstaught, right?" Stupid name, that.
"So, what brings you here? Dom? May I call you Dom?"
"Uh- yeah- Dom's good... I'm staying up at camp, but the counsellor really hates me, so I can't see him.. and he's not really working at the moment, so I had to come here.. saw your ad in the paper."
"Right, and what's the issue? Why does he hate you?"
"He thinks I fucked his boyfriend... and I mean- I did, but- after.. not when they were together.. he thinks I fucked him before they broke up.. which, sort of ties in to the whole reason I'm here... I have a boyfriend, but I really can't stop sleeping around.. I- I try to stop but never hard enough.. can't seem to make myself.."
"And.. that makes you feel guilty.."
"Fuck, yeah, but only ever- after.. when I fuck them, it's like Dan doesn't exist.."
"Dan's your boyfriend?"
"Yeah, sorry. He knows, I told him, and he's standing by me for now but.. if I can't stop.. I'm going to lose him.."
He looks like he's seen this a thousand times before.
"Right. So who was the last person you fucked? Tell me about it."
"Um...okay.. It was- last night.. I don't know the guy's name- Christ, I'm such a shit- anyway, I don't know the guy's name.. Tall-ish, dark hair to about his shoulders, lives in Athena, I think he's just graduated from art school in LA.. And thing is I never, like, go out meaning to pick somebody up, it just happens.. I get picked up, and I go along with it, or I seduce someone without even fucking thinking about it.. Nick, his name was Nick- and he picked me up, just- chose me- and took me back to his place and fucked me..."
"With your consent, yes?"
"Yeah, yeah of course.. I think I probably begged."
"Have you told Dan?"
"No.. I haven't seen him for a while.."
"So how does that make you feel, that you fucked someone and he doesn't even know?"
"Uhm.. guilty, dirty, like I don't deserve him."
"Ok, well, the first thing I'm going to do is look at your past, because that could have alot to do with all of this. What's your earliest memory?"
I think for a long time.
"First time I ever saw the sea, in England- I grew up in Germany on an army base and it's landlocked there, so when we visited England for the first time my mum and dad made the first thing they did take me and my brother to the sea, was amazing...I'd never felt sand before, or smelt the air like that.. the ocean seemed so fucking big... I think it was the first time I even bothered creating a memory, 'cause before that you know it was all city and army and boring stuff.. and then suddenly there was this massive world and so many people all having a good time and dogs and gulls and sand dunes.. it was just- like nothing I'd ever seen. Matt threw a starfish at me.."
"Matt's your brother?"
"Yeah, Matthew, he's a translator now, two years older than me. We moved to England when I was 11 and he was 13."
"Did you feel uprooted?"
"Not.. not really, I mean- it felt like coming home, mum and dad are both English and we always spoke English at home, it didn't feel as uprooting as when we used to move around in Germany- every three years. It just felt like settling.. Knowing I had all the time in the world, not only three years to make friends- and that I could afford to have best friends. It was really good.. I missed some things though, like Maoam and schnitzel stands.. I missed how clean everything was in Germany"
We talk just like this for a while, about childhood and things, and then comes another question.
"What age were you when you lost your virginity?"
"That's very young.."
"Too young. Regret it like fuck.. Don't remember who I lost it to, even, only that it was a girl which just grosses me out beyond recognition.. It was.. really bad. Some party and I was drunk and someone dared us, I think, it was rushed and short and crap, screwed up some of my attitudes about sex for a while there.. till I was 16, and had my first guy..."